David and Kate’s invitation deliver both sonic lecture and then radio installation is already causing me no end of emotional/ philosophical car crashes.
Just that word LECTURE has prompted confusion, needling away at me and for the first time ever since i embarked on whatever exotic pylon is (well it’s not anything other than my own nervous energy bouncing off the creativity and drive of friends, artists and collaborators but that’s actually alot more than something) and leading me down a pathway of retrospective analysis or, in shorthand, what the fuck have we been playing at? I like to work on the fly with speed and little consideration – a total inverse to years of failed education – don’t THINK just do and trust your instinct and your heart.
So, 4 years of frantic activity and no sleep and really hammered and now i’m forcing myself to look and try and discern some strands so at least for the lecture i can pull something mildly coherent together.
Quite honestly i’m really nervous – David tells me just to talk about the show, play some desert island discs that kind of thing. Can i do that – is that going to mean anything to anybody other than myself? So i’m crazy and then tonight, i start to calm down, think about going through the archives of Resonance, of FNOOB, think about what i’m doing at NTS, look at the line-up’s for The Vortex gigs and worry about why i would do something as idiotic as attempt to start a record label. Well i have actually been invited me so there must be something of interest there? I’m almost exactly a year off 40 and i really don’t feel like i have a clue what i’m doing but are there strands, patterns, repetitions – is there something that we’ve been doing under this name – do we have some kind of signature across the board, as abstract as that might be?
And then weird shit happens. I don’t look through the archives – i don’t need to – straight to 2 shows. 2 shows, no thinking – yes THAT is exactly what it’s all about. I listen to them, it breaks my heart these moments that are past but i’m blissed out listening back feeling the intensity IN LOVE with the chaos of it all. Straight to some video footage i’ve held back from youtube – no thinking… I look at the vortex events and i can’t believe some of the gigs we’ve pulled off.
Play this, show this, talk about this – these amazing people doing brilliant things – there is something unique enough there i think. I always liked Kode 9’s self-definition of meat puppet to Hyperdub’s demon. Exotic Pylon has been relentless collapsing forward with propulsive abandon. There’s never been a requirement to think about it. In fact i DON’T have to think about it but i find myself now wanting to…
I remember a real low point. Life at rock bottom – a complete total and dismal failure. No hope no future. Fucked it all up. Christmas Day sat minding a 24 hour fucking service station at 3am. Shit all over the floor – the place wrecked by pissed up kids -it’s comical now – locking myself in while they wrecked the forecourt. living at home like george costanza. parents concerned but not saying. How old am i here, what fucking 27, 28, 29 something like that? it’s really not great. opened a present to take with me to work. David Toop’s Ocean of Sound. THERE IT IS. Everything i knew laid down beautifully in front of me – absolute clarity, beauty THIS is what i’ve been thinking. snow starts to fall and for the first time in months my head shuts the fuck up and i’m happily adrfit. 6am the morning guy arrives ‘happy christmas’ i jump in the car and start the mile and a half drive home. 5 minutes in i run out of fuel and have to walk the rest of the way. after spending all night watching petrol pumps.